


First Order Slogans

by groffiction



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: All around silly-ness, Brought to you by Darth Tantrum and his Evil Space Ginger, Definitely kylux but most drabbles are not referencing them as a couple, First Order Slogans, M/M, Some explicit content in the drabbles, crack drabbles
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-04
Updated: 2018-07-21
Packaged: 2019-06-05 00:53:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15158873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/groffiction/pseuds/groffiction
Summary: These are First Order crack slogans just for silly fun.This is for the Kylux Discord Server, who put me up to this! Thank you! Basically it came about me having lack of sleep, running on caffeine and adrenaline fumes and wanting to help some buddies laugh :)Hope you guys like them! The whole kit and kaboodle is Explicit only because some of the drabbles are pretty racy. Just FYI. Otherwise, most are pretty PG.





	1. First Order Storm Trooper Slippers!

"Having trouble getting your monster gremlin (human child) to sleep easy at night? Making too much noise and won't go to bed without making a tantrum envious to the Lord Kylo Ren? Try our new First Order Stormtrooper Slippers! Even _Snoke_ approves! They are soft and fluffy, and when a child presses down on them a lullaby by our very own General Hux will put them right to sleep! The test results all have named General Hux as the most soothing a child whisperer. 

_*Brought to you by Tauntaun Pancake mix - the taste you won't ever forget! And Kylo Ren Antigravitational toothpaste - your teeth will never feel the same, we guarantee it!_ "


	2. Sith Delights Jackass Alarm!

"Getting tired of that one person at work that drives you insane with their bragging? They just won't stop, will they? Well, enjoy our Sith Delights Jackass Alarm! It silences even the best of braggers - and it also lets everyone else know on the bridge just who is being the bragger. All you do is press the small button and it announces with the voice of Lord Kylo Ren the person's name and for them to desist their deplorable behavior! 

_+Make sure not to operate while using a lightsaber, from experience developer Kylo Ren has stated it affects the Force with too much focus on the light side and will effectively electrify anyone within a six mile radius. *Brought to you by Snoke Cotton Earplugs - the earplugs that will ensure you are deaf eternally. And Hux Gives no Fux toe socks - the socks that warm even the chilliest toes._ "


	3. 2018 Fly Or Die Silencer Models!

"Having a hard time finding something to replace your Resistance X-Wing? Our First Order Fly or Die 2018 brand new Silencer model TIE Fighters are your best bet! Come on down, we'll let you test fly a few of ours! Just make sure to notify the technician Armitage Hux or he will think you stole it (no really he will)

 _*Brought to you by Kylux hotwings - live your barbecue fascination! And Snoke Enterprises Toe Nail clippers. Never leave home without them._ "


	4. Darth Carpal!

'Welcome to the Darth Carpal, y'all come down for some fish fry and some mer!Hux and Kylo swimming lessons - ye don't have to be shy - just put yer feet in or fins and we'll make your day!

_*special note, don't feed the mer, he'll bite your hand off. *brought to you by First Order Bath Soap and Stormtrooper Pajama Bottoms.'_


	5. General Hux's Kylo Ren lightsaber red silk male underwear!

'Wanting to heat up the bedroom with your special someone? Is that someone kind of boring but you still can't help loving them? How about you try General Hux's Kylo Ren lightsaber red silk male underwear! It's been rumored that that is what actually blew up Starkiller base - not that pesky story you might have heard from those Resistance morons. Don't hesitate to have yourself slip on these silken _glove-fitting-your-extremeties_ lingerie and you will be amazed at how fast your partner will be anxious to strip them off you!

_*Please note that we have received multiple reports of the silk undies being stolen by some unknown black haired Knight of Ren, but that might have just been a rumor! If this has happened to you, please notify Lieutenant Mitaka for a full replacement - but don't notify the General. You seriously do not want to notify him. YOU DON'T. *Brought to you by Kylo Ren VibroVader Lightsaber Shaped Condoms - fits you like a glove and makes you pass out from the torturous pulsing orgasmic pleasure! And Phasma Chrome Bras - the ones that lifts and separates but give your ta-tas the coverage needed while fighting the loathsome Resistance.”_


	6. Finalizer Barbecued Space Rations

"If you are hungry and love your deep fried space rations, the First Order first ever never before seen (or eaten) General Hux's very own Finalizer Barbecued Space Rations - the mystery meat that is enriched with almost inedible proteins, vitamins and minerals, blow torched to perfection by our awesome Captain Phasma and her troops. And if you are lucky, we will even have our very own Lord Kylo Ren enhance some of the tasty bars with his own death bringing red electromagnetically cracked kyber crystal flaming stick known as his Vader tributed lightsaber. 

_*Don't forget to endorse your Knights of Ren as they continually bring order to all of our chaotic needs! *Brought to you by Snoke's Lightning Gum, the gum that keeps you awake, even if you are knocked out by one of the captured Rathtars!_

"


	7. First Order Ghost Imperialesque mailing list

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to @ghost on Discord for helping inspire this one - and also for the Starkiller campaign part and money part. You are awesome :)

_*We interrupt this conversation by this First Order endorsed message:_

"Always tired of normal Resistance flyers clogging up your mailbox? Why not try our _First Order Ghost Imperialesque Mailing List_?! You will never have to worry about being normal again! Our laminated flyers have our very own General Hux and Lord Kylo Ren plastered all over the surfaces - front and back, so you never have to worry about being bored again. And lets not forget that you get free coupons to the _Darth Tantrum_ meme store - of which is adjoined of course to the _Evil Space Ginger_ lingerie store! Heat up your evening moments with your special someone or give a loathsome Resistance acquaintance a slew of memes to make their day even more worse than it already is! For just 29 easy payments of 59.99 credits this _too_ can be yours!

_+brought you by Snoke Delights Wrinkle Free Shaving Cream - you only have to try it once to never have to shave again (Snoke guarantees it), and General Hux Foot Creme - the cream that makes your feet Millicent soft and Phasma Blaster smooth! - never leave home without it! *Special Note: all proceeds go to the First Order's kickstarter campaign: STARKILLER 2.0. Now with more lazers"_


End file.
